Day 18: The Maiden

WHOAMGZ I have fishies on my blog! Look at the sidebar! Look at the cute!!!!!!

-inhales-

Anyway, moving on. . .Today I got to learn about the maiden. The maiden represents youth, newness, beginnings, and potential. "All potential is the maiden," says my book. She also has a darker side like everything else. In her dark aspect, she cannot realize potential. It represents our inability to mature with time, childishness, internalized fear, and interdependence upon other people. Some maiden goddesses include Pandora, Persephone, Electra, and Athena. Then the book lists the magical correspondences that evoke Maiden energies (such as the lunar phase, incense, planet, and chakra. My exercise for today is to think about my maiden traits.

Correspondence Table
Lunar Phase: New
Seasonal Phase: Late winter, early spring
Color: Orange
Pagan Celebration: Imbolc - February 2nd
Direction: Northeast
Time: The darkness that precedes dawn
Incense: Myrrh, orris root
Essential Oils: Heather and basil
Magical Number: 3
Vocalization: "u" as in "you"
Herbs: Angelica, bay laurel
Planet: Moon
Body Part: Sexual organs

Day 17: Tracking the sun and moon

Short post today. My exercise is to get a farmers almanac so I can track the phases of the moon. This is easily accomplished with the free online version which I have bookmarked. This is important because the sun and moon cycles indicate various Sabbats, or seasonal festivals.

That's really about it.

Day 16: Sun and Moon

The sun and moon are very fundamental in Wicca. Without them, there would be no life on this planet. The sun represents masculine, active, or god energy, whereas the moon represents feminine and receptive goddess energy. The book explains it better:

"The natural interplay of sun and moon gives rise to the Wiccan mythology suggesting that god and goddess not only maintain all life, but infuse it . . . When you eat something, you eat the light of sun and moon. You cannot survive without these heavenly luminaries and, in fact, they form and nurture your very body and mind."

Using the list I made yesterday, I'm supposed to think of my life in four categories and consider whether the sun or moon best represents my energy in each. I'll list the sun qualities, and then the moon qualities.

Thoughts: Active, energetic, sequential. Reactive, circular, insecure, apprehensive, emotional. Point right, moon wins this one.
Activity: Careful. Passive, disorganized. Point right again.
Feelings: Active, assertive. Reactive, spontaneous. No time. My feelings jump all over the place.
Body: Energetic, cheery, thin, muscular (ish). Timid, round, soft. Point left!

Day 15: Divine Polarity

I did the exercise yesterday, but I was too busy and tired to post about it. Today will be a two post day!

Day 15 is about the polarity of spiritual energy. "It reveals itself as hot and cold, on and off, light and dark, life and death. . . the single energy of the universe is both Yin and Yang." In Wicca, the divine energy is symbolized as male and female terms - both god and goddess. It isn't that Wiccans believe the deities are literally male and female, it's more representative of how nature expresses this energy.

I had to explore my own polarity. I was given two lists of words, one of god qualities, and one of goddess qualities. Then I was to make a list of my god and goddess qualities, then review them to determine if I express one side more than the other.

God: Thinking, warm, linear, sun, direct, light.
Goddess: Female, passive, internal, soft, negative, listening, night.

I think I'm fairly balanced in regards to which I express more. I like that, balance is important to me.

Yin and Yang

Day 14: Re-thinking God

As you can probably tell, today's exercise is about god. Specifically, a monotheistic view of god. Before I answer the questions (since that's all I need to do today) I'm going to share a quote from the book I thought was informative.

"In Wicca, the divine is not a person, nor is the divine something that is 'greater than' each of us. Wiccans view the divine as an energy that manifests through us at all times. It who and what we are."

What images of god did you hold as a child?
To me, God (capitalized!) was an old guy with bushy eyebrows and a long beard. Picture the Far Side god and that's what I usually had in my mind. I think I read too much Far Side back then. . .
How have these childhood images influenced your understanding of the divine today?
I always wondered why god had to be male. And old. And so confusing. That I think is one of the main reasons I never quite understood Christianity.
Are the images of god that you know actually representative of god's fundamental nature?
This question seems to assume that I'm thinking of only one god. I don't like the monotheistic view, it makes sense to me that there should be different gods or energies in charge of different things.
Are images of god important?
I can't say I believe in a god or gods per se, so I don't really know.
What is the purpose in believing in deity?
To explain the unexplainable, to feel like there's someone in charge that can change things if you ask them nicely enough.
Do we cheat ourselves at any level by characterizing god through image?
I really don't know.
Does it bother you to see the word "god" not capitalized in this book?
Not at all. I always thought it was weird that it usually is capitalized. It's like referring to your pet as your Cat. Unless you're german, capitalizing a noun is not correct. Why can't "God" have a name, hmm?
Does the word "god" need capitalization?
No, mayyyybe if you're using it as a title along with a name.
What automatic, conditioned responses do you have in relation to words, letters, and grammatical formalities?

I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi. I make sure things are correct, and will even correct signs if I have a pen in hand. Misspellings and improper grammar bother the hell out of me.

Day 13: Meditation Part V - Guided Imagery

Today's exercise was fairly simple. I had to find my "power place" through guided imagery meditation. I had a little bit of trouble with it and I'm not sure if I really found it, but I picture my place of power kind of like that big cliff in Up with a little of pride rock thrown in. The image came to me so quickly though. Does that mean I found it? Or does that mean I just did it wrong? I also had a hard time keeping my perspective straight. In my head I kept switching from third to first person and back again depending on what I was supposed to imagine. That made it harder to focus. Maybe I'll have to practice being in my power place more often.

Like this, but flat where the guy is standing. Not rocky. More scrubby grass too.

Day 12: Meditation Part V - Sunwalking

Today I attemped sunwalking. I was to go outside, find an area in which to walk, breathe naturally, and count my steps 1-10. I kind of really failed at this. I started off decently on focusing on the counting, but it's so distracting outside here. Five barking Maltese, a lady yelling at them to shut up, factory next door, semi trucks going to and fro the factory, cars constantly going down my street, and itchy grass (to which I'm pretty sure I'm allergic). I liked having something to focus on, unlike the wall gazing. I think sunwalking would work for me if I weren't in a city.

On an unrelated note, I've been thinking about Wicca today. I don't want to be thought of as one of those organic alpaca-wool Happy Badger hippies, mystic crazy crystal people, or a "gothic" preteen girl rebelling against the norm. I'm neither. Although I've gotta say, as far as stereotypes go Wicca lucked out. Christianity has the crazy screaming preachers damning everyone to hell, Islam has the suicide bombers, Judaism has. . .erm. . .beards and no bacon? Maybe Judaism isn't the best example. But yeah, I'll take alpaca-wool hippie over the first two any day.

Day 11: Meditation Part IV - Walking

Today's lesson is about walking meditation. In walking meditation, you aim your practice toward a specific end, such as gaining spiritual insight on some matter in your life. It is normally done during a Wiccan ritual, but the ritual context isn't effective for this to work. There are two types of meditational walking: sunwalking and moonwalking. Sunwalking is faster and best suited for people who have a directed, logical, linear mental focus. Moonwalking is slow, and best for those with conemplative and creative mental energy.

Today's exercise is determining whether I am naturally a sun or moon walker. I'm given two lists of qualities, one for sun and one for moon. Whatever category holds the most traits that apply to me represents my natural type.

-reads list-

Hokai, the total is 6 to 2, sun being the victor. The solar qualities that fit me include expressive, impatient, analytical, and logical. The two lunar qualities are emotional and introverted. Well. . .that was an easy exercise.

This is what came up when I image googled "sunwalking."
I don't think this is quite what I was looking for.

Day 10: Meditation Part III - Wall Gazing

I'm getting back on track with doing my Wicca exercises. Well, trying to at least. Today I had to try to meditate by wall gazing. I was to sit and face a wall, breathe normally, and count each breath up to ten. If I thought about anything other than counting, I had to start over.

This one was really hard for me to do. I just couldn't pay attention to the breathing. I couldn't sit with my eyes closed, couldn't even acknowledge my thoughts, just counting. I don't know if this is a meditation style I'll ever be very good at; my mind is always so busy.

On another note, I feel SO much better after doing that ritual for the fish. I'm not worried anymore, I know they're okay now. Doing that for them helped a lot :)

In memory of. . .

So, yesterday my fish Jello died. Over the past couple months, I've lost Oliver, Lenny, and Flitwick. I did everything I could to make them better, but nothing worked well enough. Today I decided to make a ritual for them.

Oliver wasn't buried here because he died while living in the summer apartment, but Lenny, Flitwick, and Jello are buried by my front porch. Yesterday when Jason and I buried Jello, we found the stub of a burned white candle right where Flitwick was buried. Neither of us put it there, and I still can't figure out where it came from. I think it was put there for a reason.

I carved their names into a really pretty gold candle, then drew little pictures of them on the other side of the candle. I sat outside by their graves, lit the candle, and sprinkled some of their favorite food on them. I said a little prayer I found in my Everyday Magic book, then talked to them myself. I told them about how sorry I am, how much I miss them, and how I hope they're okay now. I explained that I did everything I could to make them better. Then I lit the candle that I had found and thought about the good times we all had together. I sat there and dried for a while. It's windy outside, so I moved to the porch to help block the wind and thought about them some more. After a while I asked Jason to come and sit outside with me, watching the candle. We sat there and talked.

Once the gold candle burned down to where the names are carved, I blew it out and went inside. For now, I'm keeping the two candles in Jason's lock box because I haven't a special and safe place for them. Next time I go to my dad's, I'm going to bring back the wooden box I have there.

I feel better after doing this. I was able to sit and cry and let my emotions go. I needed that. I believe that the fish (and Lenny) are in a better place now and happy again.

Jello and Lenny

Apologies

I just started a new job and I'm still adjusting to my new schedule of school, work, homework, studying for work, fencing, etc. I've been too busy to do my exercises yesterday and today, and I'm not sure when I can post next. Maybe tomorrow, definately not Saturday, probably Sunday.

Just though you might want to know.

Work: Like this, but fancier computers and floor treatment.

Day 9: Meditation Part II - Breathing

Today's going to be a short post. The topic for day 9 is breathing. Basically, when meditating and whatnot, I need to breathe deeply, like for hatha yoga. I was supposed to practice breathing properly, but because of choir and yoga, I already know how. I am feeling stressed though, so I did it anyway to relax. That's about it. Tomorrow I'm supposed to practice meditational sitting, but I'm not sure if I'll have time. It's going to be a LONG day. Happy birthday to me?

Day 8: Meditation Part I

Today, I don't really have an exercise to do. I'm supposed to figure out whether Eastern or Western style meditation is right for me. In Eastern style, you're not supposed to try and block out your thoughts. Rather, it is suggested that you observe your thought processes in a detached way. Some techniques are used in this form of meditation, like repetition of mantras, focusing on one's breath, or focusing vision on a candle flame.

Western style meditation is more active. This style uses guided imagery and imagination.

It's hard for me to say which style I think is better for me. During counseling for my anxiety, I use something similar to Eastern style. It's hard, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. It helps slow down my mind and weed out the clutter. Western style is much easier for me, but it tends to make my mind busier. The next few days involve meditation and techniques, so I'll experiment with both Eastern and Western to see which I like better.

Day 7: I was awake early enough to see the sun rise!

Yeah, I know, I didn't post yesterday. That's because I was supposed to watch either a sunrise or sunset, but I was busy while the sun was setting and I had no desire to wake up at 6 in the morning to watch it rise. I tried to do it today though. More on that later.

For day seven, the book talked a lot about symbols. From what I understand, pretty much everything in Wicca is symbolic. Different colored candles, herbs, incense, elements, directions, etc. all represent different things.

Like I said before, today I was supposed to watch a sunrise or sunset. I actually was awake today while the sun was rising. Granted, I was driving along 475 to get to work, but I could still sort of watch it. I didn't "really engage myself in nature" like the book wanted, but I was pressed for time. As for the sunset. . .I forgot. I was thinking today's activity was meditation, so I thought it would be fine to do this now. Too bad it's already dark. Anyway, the book has a few questions for me about my sunrise experience.

What did you experience internally as you witnessed this event?
Despite the fact that I was paranoid about being late for work, I was fairly relaxed. Very rarely am I up for a sunrise, so it was neat to see. Along 75 there are these big rectangular ponds. The fog was gathering over the ponds making it look like they were steaming. The sunlight streaming through the fog was really pretty. It was a decent experience. Driving along the highway, listening to some favorite songs, no traffic, and a nice pink sky. Good thing I liked it, because I have to get up at the same time on Wednesday. Awesome way to kick off my birthday (. . .ish. Sunrise is nice, waking up at 630AM, not so much).

From this experience, what do you imagine the sunrise could symbolize?
Oh geez, I don't know. I'm terrible at symbolism, just ask any of my English instructors. Hmmm.

-thinks-

I think the sunrise could symbolize a clean slate, a fresh start. Even though I was dead tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep, I felt relaxed and almost energized. I felt like it was going to be a good day, despite all the evidence I had to the contrary.

Now think about a symbol from a spiritual path from your past. What could this symbol mean to you today?
Whenever I see the Jesus fish or a crucifix, I always flashback to sitting in church in second grade, being bored out of my skull and watching the clock. Those are symbols from my spiritual past, but they really don't mean anything to me. I never really believed in the whole Catholic thing.

Day 6: Shamanism

Kay. . .I don't think I'm going to have a whole lot to say on today's exercise. The book talks about shamanism, and lists some hallmarks of the shamanistic experience. These include a close relationship with nature, a traumatic experience (near-death, lucid dreams, or near-psychotic breaks), and the ability to receive messages from both seen and unseen sources. Next, the book talks about the madman, and the difference between a shaman and a madman. Basically, the shaman can return from the otherworld and function effectively in both mundane and spiritual contexts. After this information, the book has a couple questions for me.

Describe in writing your own "calling" to the Wiccan path. Take note of which of the shamanic hallmarks describe your experience.
I don't know, I just kind of felt drawn to it. I like that it's a nature-based religion. Should I put a check mark next to "close relationship with nature"? That's about it really. I don't think any of the other shaman things fit me.

We all have characteristics of both the shaman and the madman. In what ways are you a shaman? In what ways are you a madman?
I feel close to nature, I guess. That's part of the shaman thing. My anxiety might be a madman thing. It gets pretty close to consuming me at times. I don't really know how to answer this question.

In conclusion, I don't feel like I got a whole lot out of today's "exercise." Oh well. Not entirely sure what this one was trying to teach me. Any ideas?

I don't think this is the shaman they were thinking of, but this is who I picture.

Day 5: Experiencing Life's Energy

Today was sort of a meditation day. I had to close my eyes and try to feel the life force within my body, starting at my stomach and working my way to my feet and fingers, culminating in feeling a "unification of my body's energies."

I thought this was going to be difficult. I usually have a hard time shutting off my mind. I was able to get into it quickly though. Once I figured out the sensation I was looking for, it was easy to feel it all over. It really felt tingly, like how one would imagine energy felt. My arms still feel tingly and now I have the hiccups, although I don't think the hiccups are related. This was a really cool exercise :D

Day 4: Questioning my path

Today's exercise is simple. I need to answer some questions, then spend some time thinking about my answers.

Why am I exploring the Wiccan path?
I've always had at least a passing interest in Wicca. I've never known where to start learning though. There's so much information to sift through! One of my best friends is Wiccan, so I can go to her for help and information (which is where I got this book). I'm not sure why I decided now to learn about it. I think I'm going through a period of change. I'm seeing a counselor about my anxiety, cutting my hair, doing better in school. Little by little, I'm fixing what I don't like and learning more about myself. As far as why Wicca in particular, I've always believed in the basic tenants of Wiccan philosophy. It fits, unlike any pair of jeans I can find.

What were my previous spiritual practices?
Neither of my parents are particularly religious. I went to a Catholic school for a few years, and I've been baptised, communioned, and reconciled. I was pulled out of St. Leo's before I was confirmed because of problems at that school. Since then, I've never been a fan of Catholicism. I have no good memories of it. Christianity. . I don't know about it. It seems so contradictory. It seems like many Christians today pick and choose what parts of the Bible to believe. That doesn't make sense, to me at least. I don't buy their god. It doesn't make sense either. He seems almost bipolar. He told that one guy to kill his son (brother?) and he drowned everyone on earth except for Noah and Co. Then he sends his son down to Earth to help everyone, but his son has to die, and he's okay with that. I don't buy the part about how we're all sinners unless we repent and become Christian either. I call b.s.

Did any of these past practices lead me to investigate Wicca? How?
I think I covered that already.

What are my hopes in engaging in this path?
I hope that I can find something bigger to be part of. I hope to learn more about myself and what I believe. I hope to have fun with this.

What are my fears in engaging in this path?
I'm afraid of it not working with me. I'm afraid of what my family would think/say/do.

How will I handle friends and family members who might not approve of my spiritual search?
Avoidance. I don't intend for my family to know, not now at least. As far as friends go, mine are all pretty accepting. I lucked out. My family could go either way, I have no idea.

Are there other major events that impact my life right now?
I'd have to say that college in general is a pretty major event. And like I said earlier, I feel like I'm going through some changes for the better.

If I'm going through major life events, is this the best time to explore a new spiritual path?
I think so. It seems like a change for the better.

Day 3: My first ritual!

So yesterday (cough) I thought about the meanings and connotations of certain words. Today I did a ritual based on my thoughts about them.

First I had to identify a common theme. The book suggested fear, anger, anxiety, hope, etc. I picked ignorance. When thinking about those words, one of the first things I thought of was the fact that I didn't really know how to define them.

Next, I needed to etch the word of my theme (in this case, 'ignorance') onto a white candle. I don't have any candles or money for them, so I used a white piece of paper and wrote the word on it in crayon. I used purple, green and silver crayons. Purple is good for rituals involving spirituality, green for spells that deal with growth, and silver to attain a peaceful state of mind. Spells and rituals are all about symbolism. If you don't have a specific item, substitutes work as long as you feel it symbolizes the same thing. The paper worked as a substitute for the candle because they're both white, and white in this case is supposed to be a blank canvas.

After finding a comfortable position in which to sit, I closed my eyes and tried to make my theme to be dominant in my mind. I was to allow this feeling to transport me to a scene in my life that could explain this feeling. I don't know if ignorance was the "right" thing to pick, because there wasn't any one scene for this. It was hard to do what the book told me, so I thought about how exactly I felt ignorance applied as my theme.

Then, I lit my "candle." As it burned, I vowed to remain aware of my feelings during this year and a day process. The candle is supposed to melt my charged word away, changing it into something else. I imagined the ignorance slowly melting away over this year, being replaced by knowledge. Afterward, I was supposed to bury the candle wax someplace far form my home. Not having wax or anywhere to bury the ashes, I opted to flush it all down the toilet. The way I see it, the water flows from my house, carrying the ignorance away. The ashy water gets replaced by clean water, almost like wiping the slate clean. I also had to resist the urge for any toilet humor (snicker, pun intended).

What was it like to take part in this small ritual?

I liked it. I'm not normally this introspective, and this game me the chance to think about me, not what's going wrong around me. I would say that this little ritual was peaceful. It seems like a good way of letting things go. Having the physical things (like the word on the candle melting away) made it easier for me to let things flow.

What emotions did the ritual bring up in me?
Peacefullness. I felt calm and purposeful. It was a nice change :)

Did I "let go" of anything with this ritual?

I don't think I let go of anything, per se, but I still feel like I accomplished something. I feel more determined to keep with this year and a day.


So, I had a good experience with all of this except formatting the blog post. Had to fight with the stupid thing to let me switch back from bold. Grrrrrrr. Remind me never to bold things again.

Day 2: A rose by any other name. . .

I didn't get a chance to post last night because I was out late, but I DID do the exercise. Today's gonna be a long post by the way.

Today's (well, last night's) exercise, is about words associated with Wicca. According to this book, words are not a reality in themselves. For example, the word "apple" is not in actuality an apple. You can understand the concept of an apple, but to know an apple you must hold it, smell it, taste it. Avery explained this to me in a different way that I thought made sense. In Eragon, Brom explains that simply knowing the words in the ancient language is not enough. Eragon needed to know not just what the word represented, but the essence of the word. Brom claimed that he could produce water simply by using the ancient word for fire because he understood these connections.

Anyway, I was given a short list of words and I had to answer some questions about each word.

Wicca: I feel comfortable with this one. I can't say I completely understand it as I'm in the process of learning what exactly Wicca is. I don't think other people view this one with much of a negative connotation. Crazy probably, but not negative.
Witchcraft: I don't know if I would use this word or not. It isn't that I'm uncomfortable with it, it's just that I don't think it describes what I'm doing. I hear this and I think of fantasy stories and whatnot. People probably aren't too keen on others practicing "witchcraft."
Power: This word doesn't seem too complicated. Power is one's ability to do something. Power in itself is not bad, it's when it gets abused. Because of that, I almost view power as a negative word, although I'm sure many would disagree.
Ritual: I think I like this word. Rituals are comforting and dependable. Every religion has their rituals, but I feel that Wiccan rituals can often be viewed as weird or crazy. When I hear the word ritual (in relation to Wicca) I think of a magic circle, candles, and incense.
Magic: This one's tricky. Magic is a fun word, and it gets tossed around a lot. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I hear 'magic' and think Harry Potter. I don't really know a whole lot about Wiccan magic. Obviously the believers say it's real, and I'd like for it to be real. This word goes hand in hand with ritual, I think.
Occult: Ghosts, witches, UFOs, voodoo, etc. Those are the first things to come to mind with this word. It's got such a weird connotation, I don't know if I would like it being applied to my religion or not. Probably not. What would a hardcore Christian do if you referred to their religion as part of the occult?
Pagan: I think of this as sort of an umbrella term. Wicca is pagan, but pagan is not necessarily Wicca. There are different kinds of pagan religions, and people can choose to just say they're pagan and not specifically associate with any of them. Unfortunately, paganism has a bad rap. I don't understand why. They don't seem like a particularly confrontational group. "Do no harm" and all that jazz. It's been shoved into people's minds that paganism is bad, monotheism is good. Gr.
Spell: This one is like magic. Not sure about it either. For the most part, nowadays people don't believe in magic or spells, they view them as a fantasy thing. But spells seem to be a big part of practicing Wicca. It's how one does. . .stuff. I don't know if they work or not, but I would try them. They seem like they help one focus on what it is they want.
Earth-Religion: Religion has been a scary word to me ever since I went to a Catholic school. However, I like the Earth-based aspect of this. It sounds peaceful and friendly.

After this, the book goes on to explain the words as Wiccans generally define them. Mainly, it gives the history of how the words developed. The definition of magic is interesting though. "Wiccans understand magic as a natural process. It is the ability to change one's frame of mind. . . Out of one's change of consciousness comes change in the world."

I like this :)

Day 1: Be One with the Earth

Today's exercise was for me to connect with the Earth. I was to go outside, close my eyes, and try to feel the connections between myself and people, plants, animals, and objects. Afterward, I was supposed to spend the day acting in accord to my heightened awareness to my surroundings.

So, I went outside and laid down on the grass. Cloudy sky, bright moon, chirping crickets, wet crabgrass. I couldn't visualize roots as the book told me to, thanks to the factory spotlights, drunken cheerleaders, and passing bass-thumping traffic, but I could feel a connection. I could feel the earth holding me up, I could feel the crickets hopping through the grass, feel the tree standing strong. I felt connected to all of this, small but important. I had a difficult time connecting to the man-made things like the cars and the factory; I felt like they were distracting me.

This was a very pleasant experience. I felt even more relaxed than when I do my relaxation exercises for my anxiety. I was. . .calm. My brain was still cluttered, but I wasn't worrying. I think I did something right with this exercise. I shall have to do this when I'm stressed out.

So it begins!

A friend of mine lent me a book titled Wicca: A year and A Day. I've decided to learn more about Wicca, and this is supposed to be a good place to start. From what I already know about this religion, many things I already believe in match up rather nicely with the beliefs of Wicca. I feel that by studying this, I can become closer to my beliefs and possibly learn more about myself.

In this book that I'm using, each day (for 366 days) I have a different activity or exercise (be it physical, magical, or mental) to complete. Ideally, I will post my responses to each day's activity on this blog, but I have no idea for how long my friend will let me use her book. I don't expect many readers, but this is a way for me to organize my thoughts without the problems of handwriting getting in the way. Also, feedback is always appreciated from those who will be reading this.

So, wish me luck and enlightenment!